Earlier last week I was feeling very weary and burdened with life. Feelings that I’d grown accustomed to. I didn’t really bother to try and understand why I felt that way. I didn’t want to. I was too weary. However in a conversation with a close friend I started to realize truly why I felt this way. Well, it more like hit me all of a sudden "how could I be so stupid" kind of thing. I realized that I was weary because on my own, I am not strong enough to face life. I was not walking with God everyday. I have these moods I get in. When I am in these moods I literally don’t care about anything. I think these moods happen when I don’t "choose life" with God. I realized I had all these things I needed to do. Life was big, is big, and I didn’t want to face the problems. So I guess it was like running away for me. And because of that I was weary. I wasn’t strong enough without God. I realized I was either going to stay like that and become exhausted and burnt out, or I was going to have to choose life. And I am sitting here today saying; ‘I choose life.’

I’ll admit to you now that I’m not much of a thinker. I don’t sit down and try and analyze things trying to read the fine print. I am intellectual, and I do think. I can be an effective thinker. So how is it that I can say I am not much of one? Because I am scared to think, I am scared to take the time to really dig deep into things. Why? Because it’s hard, and who knows what I will find? If I dig deep into issues and discover the fine print then I have to deal with it. I have to confront my problems and that’s hard.

Because of this fear I’m always tempted to leave things as they are. I often have revelations that just come to me. Once I process these a little, I generally accept them and leave them as is. I see this as my downfall, Satan trying to keep me from growing. But because I have chosen life, I am on a quest. A quest to find my wounds, a quest to find the fine print.

In an email to my mentor I mentioned how I had been trying to live life on my own. His reply to that was that it was a response to one of my wounds, and that I needed to ask God to lead me to the reason I felt I needed to face life alone. "Another wound?" I asked myself. "I thought it was just another revelation I had. Can’t I leave it at that?"

God is a God of impeccable timing. The other night I was at a birthday party with some close friends. Near the end of the party I was feeling really tired. So I decided to go home a little early. I’ll admit that I was feeling very "under" the weather you could say, depressed even. Later that night in bed, alone with my thoughts, the voices start speaking to me. "You’re not cool. You’re no fun to be around. You should just give up on your friends. They don’t need to deal with you. You’re not cool."

I have a paper route that I do once a week. Normally I bring along some music to listen to, to pass the time, but today I decided I’d just skip it. Alone with my thoughts I started to think and process the email I had received from Guy earlier that day. I started thinking about my wound and why I felt I had to face life on my own. If it hadn’t been for the way I felt last night, I might not have realized it at first. Why do I feel like have to face life on my own? Because I’m not cool enough, I’m not fun to be around, my friends don’t need to deal with me because I’m not cool enough.

On a recent missions trip to Mexico each member of the team was required to write down and share their testimony. This is part of my testimony.

"I’ve grown up in a Christian home. I accepted Christ when I was 5 years old. But there came a point in m life, just a few years ago, when I stopped caring about God. I pushed myself away from him. I hid myself from other people by wearing a mask, a false self. I was lost. I became sad on the inside was confused about who I was. I was insecure. I tried hard to impress people and be liked by them. But my efforts were worthless because I wasn’t me. I didn’t have any joy."

I remember when I was younger I use to always sit in on the main service at church instead of going to kids church. Why did I do that? Because kids church was lonely, I didn’t have any friends there. I did eventually start going, however. And I remember watching the older kids, thinking how cool they were and wishing I could be like them. But I wasn’t, I was quiet. I wasn’t out going, or funny. I was an introvert.

It’s hard for me to except my more introverted side, but it is there. I am just as much an introvert as I am an extrovert. I admit that I’d rather be the extrovert any day. There are days when I’m hanging out with friends and I am really talkative and outgoing. But there are days when I am quiet and can’t find any words to say. It’s hard for me to except that. Because I see that as being ‘un-cool’ I guess.

Being an introvert makes me a loner. And we all know that loners aren’t cool. No one wants to be a loner. Well guess what, I like attention a lot. In fact, I need attention. Because then I’m not the loner, in fact, I’m even cool! Here I am, the center of attention, I must be cool. When the attention isn’t on me then I must not be cool enough for it. I react to this by getting quiet. I detach myself from what’s going on around me because I’m just not cool enough.

There are some things in life that I am passionate about. If you were to ask me some of them I would probably mention how I am obsessed with Tricking and Breakdancing. If you asked me why, I would no doubt say something like, "because it’s cool!" Why do I try so hard to be the best I can be? Because 1) I do enjoy it, but 2) it makes me cool. Even my passions have a hidden agenda because of my wound.

Where did this wound originally come from? I don’t know. But I think it’s very clear that for the past few years I have been striving to be all I can be. Normally people would see that as a good thing. But not when it’s directed from my wound. I’ve made my whole life about being cool. I’ve been striving to have all the things that cool kids have. I’ve been striving to do things that cool people do. I’ve been trying to "become" cool. Because I feel that I’m not cool enough, this is my wound. So what do I do with it? I take it to the Father.

to raise money for my missions trip to mexico i sent out a missions letter to alot of my friends and family.

here is the follow up to that letter...


--Dear friends and family,

This summer I was given the awesome opportunity to go on a mission trip with my church to Mexico. We stayed in the middle of the Yucatan peninsula in a small rural town named Dsan. The missionary we support is Steve Fletcher. He and his wife, Martha, have three kids. Their ministry is in educating the local pastors and giving encouragement to the local communities.

Two years ago Steve purchased a large piece of property just outside of Dsan. Steve’s goal for this property is to build an orphanage and retirement home for the elderly. Right now the land is in its beginning stages with one building done. The building has four rooms and is the dormitory for the orphanage.

Our job was to clear the land to make it accessible for a riding lawn mower which was donated to Steve just a few months ago. This required chopping down all the vegetation (for which a Mexican worker was hired), raking all the vegetation into a pile, raking rocks, digging up big rocks, and then taking these piles and dumping them with wheel barrows for foundation. The work was extremely hard, hot, and tiring. But God blessed our team and we were all able to get along with each other and get the work done.

One of the last days we were working there, one of the hardest and hottest days, something was put in perspective for me. We were doing concrete work (filling in the floors of the last two rooms in the first building), it was towards the end of the day and we were all exhausted beyond reason. I was sitting down with a few others and Steve comes up and he just smiles and says, "Can’t you see it?" And then he went on to describe his vision for the land. It’s a beautiful vision. Steve’s heart, his vision, changed my perspective on the work. I loved the work, it was hard, but it was good work. But for the most part that’s just what it was, work. I hadn’t really seen the whole picture. Steve had. He saw the land in its final stages. He saw the fruit of our labor. Now when I think of the work we did down there, I think of how hard it was, and then I think of the fruit of our labor. I am excited to see Steve’s vision unfold as it is already beginning to do so.

Our work down there was split up into two different areas. In the morning we would head to the land to work. We would work for about four hours, come back to Steve’s house and eat a wonderful authentic Mayan meal made by Steve’s wife Martha. Then we’d take our siesta, after which we’d have dinner, and then head off to a local village church to carry out our ministry part of the trip. We’d sing some songs in Spanish, do some skits, and give testimonies and then a short VBS for the kids. The people in the churches down there are all so filled with joy. It was a blessing to be able to visit them and see the joy of the Lord so evident in their lives.

Steve Fletcher and his wife Martha, along with their three kids, also have seven other kids living with them right now. And I want to share with you about these kids because they are an awesome testimony of God’s work. A few years ago these kids were in a terrible situation. Their father was in jail for being a drug dealer and doing drugs himself. Steve told us that he truly believed that the mother cared for her children, but that she couldn’t properly provide for them. She also sold drugs and sold herself, trying to support the kids. Basically just making all the wrong decisions. Well one day, she was visiting her husband in jail and was caught bringing drugs into the jail. Obviously she was tried and put in jail too. So the kids, now left parentless, moved in with their neighbors. The situation was just horrible, beyond our comprehension. Well, about two years ago Steve found out about the situation and went to the government and went through this whole process and was able to receive the kids into his home.

Just shortly after Steve received these seven kids into his home, our church went on a family mission trip to Mexico. Two of the teenagers on that trip were also with us on the trip this summer. And both of them mentioned how when they were down there two years ago how you could tell the kids had just come from a horrible situation. They didn’t really smile much and weren’t really responsive. Well, now those seven kids, every single one of them, is so filled with joy it is incredible! We didn’t hear the kids’ story until one of the last nights in Mexico. And without knowing that story, just looking at those kids, you could see so much joy and happiness. You never would have guessed that they had just recently been in such a terrible situation. They are all beautiful children. It was very easy to grow attached to them. It’s just such an amazing story, and an amazing testimony to what God is doing down in Mexico. Here we are building an orphanage, which is in its very beginning stages, and here God is already initiating that work in Steve and his family in their very home.

My experience in Mexico was life changing. These stories I will remember forever. God touched my life in very small and profound ways, and also in big ways. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of Mexico. It was an amazing opportunity and I am so blessed to be able to share these experiences with you. Thank you for supporting me. Whether financially, through prayer or both! God had us covered the whole way! --


... and here is why i want to go back


Junior, possibly the koolest eight year old ever!


Michael, age 6, a little terror!


Edwin (age 13), he is such a sweetheart!


Margarita (age 11, or was she 12?)


Daisy (age 10), she is so adorable!


Eric (age 8)


Audrianna (age 6), i love audrianna! she is so cute!


Hidalgo (or something like that)
 

Eric and myself


Laura, Margarita, and Daisy


Junior killed that scorpian because it was scaring some girls, you can see the pride in his face!


super adorable picture of Audrianna and Hidalgo

 
Another super adorable picture! Audrianna and Yonni (not sure how old he is, he is Juniors and Michaels cousin)




sigh. these kids are so cute! i love them all. in case you were wondering, the seven children i talked about in my letter are Norma (not shown), Edwin, Margarita, Daisy, Eric, Audrianna, and Hidalgo. Steve's kids are Melissa (also not shown), Junior and Michael. so yeah.

i got really attached to those kids. i really wanna go back...